jusdifferent's Blog

    Well, I've gone and done it...  I've opened Pandora's box.  There's no turning back, and now I am paying - BIG TIME.  I've always lived my life according to my own rules, believing that you only get one shot, so you damn well better take it.  I also believe, that you, and you alone, will answer - for better or worse, for the content, or lack there of, of that life.  What I am about to say, is going to shock a lot of people on this site, that have known me for years.  This is a confession that is going to draw heat, criticism, controversy, and judgement.  And, eventually, it will cost me friends, and most likely, my standing in the community.  But, none the less, I am going ahead with it.  If nothing else, I am, and have always been, honest - and damn the consequences.  So, here it is...

     Back in March of 2009, I did something that I told no one of, ( save one good friend ) - my husband and I tried an "experiment" - we "opened-up" our marriage.  This went on for around 8 - 10 mths.  It is over now, and not by my choice.  In a "nutshell" - I bloomed; he withered.  We have gone back monogamous, in order to save our marriage.  It is without a shadow of a doubt, one of the most difficult and painful things, that I have ever done.   I am writing this, in hopes that others might learn from my experiences, and mistakes.

     So, what did I learn from all of this?  My god - where do I start???  First of all, I learned that we are all different, yet somehow the same.  I learned that some people are "naturally polyamorous", just like some are "naturally monogamous".  I learned that there is no right, or wrong way to "do a relationship"; you simply have to do what works for you and your mate.  I learned that, by and large, women are much better suited for polyamory than men.  ( Not only do we have an easier time finding lovers, but have a greater capacity for pleasure. )  For some of us, it is a bit like a drug - freeing, intoxicating, mind-altering, and soul-changing - and when we no longer get it, we crave it, constantly.  That is what I am going through, now - cravings, withdrawal - just like an addict.  I feel like a bird that has had it's wings clipped, an animal that was allowed to run free, but has been caged, now. 

     No, it's not just the sex that I miss; it's EVERYTHING...  The experience, the interaction...  Something happens when you are with someone different...  I can't really put my finger on it - it's almost like you "trade/share energy", or something?  And, you learn - oh my god, you learn SO damn much.  You learn how human we all are - regardless of age, ethnicity, religion, culture...  How fragile, needy, scared, amazing, we can all be, at times.  I've now been with men of all different ages, ( 18 - 42 ), ethnic/cultural backgrounds, religions - all different circumstances - and I can tell you...  They all love to have their backs rubbed, to be told they're beautiful, to hear you pant, see you smile...  I've been with guys who hadn't been with a woman in years, and even with those that hadn't been with one at all.  I was with one guy who hadn't been with anyone since his wife died.  Another one, that I spent the better part of 15 mins, just simply trying to get his shirt off.  ( He had a surgery, that left a pretty bad scar, and had not yet shown it to anyone that was not a medical professional. )  Marc was a "crossdresser" that had never told anyone his "secret".  { I put lipstick on him, and then kissed it off.  He loved it, and so did I ;-} Steve had palsy, and was so nervous that he shook like a chihuahua on amphetamines.  Sai spoke almost no English.  ( It's amazing how very little you need words. )

     So, that's it.   That's what I did.  "Pandora's box"?  Yes, but unlike the myth, it wasn't awful - it was amazing.  I learned; I grew; it was the single best thing I ever did for me.   And, now, it is over, and I am sad beyond words.  I miss it; I grieve; I feel one of the most overwhelming senses of loss, that I have ever known.  I have shut this down, and am locking it away, in order to save my marriage, and to spare the feelings of someone I love, but yet, I feel like part of me is dying.  Some very integral part of me, my life, and who I really am, has been ripped away.  It's not coming back, and I know that, and I am doing my very best to try and deal with it.

     I know that there are some of you that will read this, and have much to say.  Some will read this, and delete me from your "circle".  Some will openly attack me, and others will call names.  Save your breath - I've heard it all before...  No, I am not a "whore" - I like it entirely too much to charge for it.  ( Not that there's anything wrong with "paid companions" - everybody's gotta make a living somehow.  More honest than politics, at least, eh? )  "Slut"?  Well, if you use the term "slut" to describe a woman that lives her life by her own rules, operates under the "radical premises" that sex is normal and healthy, and pleasure is good - then yeah, I guess that would be me.  It's my life, my body,and I do as I see fit.  And, that's how I roll.

BTW : If you are underage, and reading this...  Polyamory is a lifestyle, ( some even say "sexual orientation" ), that is to be practiced only between consenting, responsible adults.  For the record, yes, I always practiced "safe sex".  In fact, kept it to "play" only about 90% of the time, and as for the very few times I did choose to indulge - ALWAYS used a condom.

     Well, it's been almost six months since I'm been on here.  { DANG, I missed you guys! ;-}  As most of you know, our home back in MA was destroyed, due to fire, and we re-located to NY.  We are currently living in our camp, actually.  ( We had a fishing camp on Cayuga Creek, in upstate NY, and after we lost the house, and the business, we moved here. )  No, there are no real plans at the moment.  Honestly, we are just taking it one day at time, right now.  The old camp needed a lot of work, and still does.  The renovations have been keeping us busy for the last few months, but now that it is livable, and functional, at least, my husband has begun looking for work, again.  Will we settle here?  I really don't know - I do like it.  My husband, however is not as cranked up on it, and is having a lot of trouble finding work.  ( The economy is very bad here, and there is no healthcare. )  We both love the UK, I have family there, and an adopted "brother" over there, as well.  Yes, I would love to be closer to him, and his Mrs, but the exchange rate is very prohibitive right now.  We are also considering Canada, as it is only 20 minutes away, and there is a good bit of work there, for what John does.  Anyhow, for the time being, we are just looking to the future, and keeping an open mind.

And, for all of those of you that have asked about my weight loss, ( I've lost over 120 lbs ), yes, I will be writing a blog detailing that, later on.  ~*~ ( There are updated photos in my album "Less of Me To Love" ~*~ )  Sorry, but I am still trying to wade through my inbox - LOL - and get caught up.  I also, have a lot going right now, and am not in here every day, like I used to be.  So, if you wrote me, and I have yet to answer, just hang on - I'm getting there.  ( Honestly, I think there needs to be some sort of "limit" to how many emails your EP inbox can hold! )  Like maybe when it gets to 30, or 40, senders will get an "inbox full" message, or something?  Just an idea...  Later, guys...  Blessed Be - SOooo glad to be back !

After a devastating house fire, back in February, my husband and I have been giving a lot of thought lately,  as to what the future will hold for us.  ( Do we stay, and go through the re-building process, or cut our loses, and go elsewhere? )   To complicate matters further, due to the fire, rising fuel prices, and the current crap economy, we have decided to close the doors on our small, family-run business, as well.  In less than 45 days, our entire world has been turned upside down.  Life, as we once knew it, no longer exists.   "Change" has become the only constant in this strange, new existence.

As I sit here writing, I am afraid that yet another change is in the works for us.  Last night, we sat up late, discussing money, the current state of things, and where to go from here.  When we put pen to paper, and crunched numbers, we realised that we will take a substantial loss, in the long run, should we decide to stay and re-build.  ( The housing market is horrible here, and the cost of living has absolutely gone through the roof, in the last few years. )  We are now contemplating doing something I never thought we'd do - leaving New England.
 

Although I am originally from New Orleans, neither of us want to go back there, due to post-Katrina conditions.  We have a vacation condo down in Florida, and a fishing camp in upstate New York.  ( Florida is too far, too hot... )  New York, however,  is close, cheap, and has a ton of work for John.  The place is tiny, and will  need work, but I think will do for a while.  If nothing else, it will be somewhere to rest, recuperate, and get our bearings in life, once again.  

Neither of us particularly relishes leaving everything we love, everyone we know, and somewhere that has been "home", for the last 8 1/2 years, but we can not get back what we have lost, and it is time to pick up the pieces, and move on.  ( "Time and tide wait for no man." )  Life doesn't give a fart in a whirlwind, if we've lost everything, and are emotionally, and financially devastated.  Life doesn't care about me, or my problems.  It moves on with the "single-minded purpose" of progression, and evolution. 

I don't know what the future will hold for us.  I am scared, worried, sad, overwhelmed, and strangely invigorated, all at the same time.  I always heard how things "could change in an instant", and "go from the penthouse, to the outhouse" in the blink of an eye, but I never really understood.  Look around you.  Look at your preciously normal life.  Look at your spouse, your kids, your home, your job, and for once, be grateful for what you have.  Know that it is enough.  Know that even in difficult circumstances, you are "blessed".  It is SO true, that you don't really know what you have, until it is gone.

On Wednesday, February 27th, around lunchtime, our home caught fire.  Although, it did not burn to the ground completely, the damage was extensive, ( in excess of $100,000 ).  Sadly, in addition to this terrible tragedy, we also lost one of our beloved cats, ( Moggie - R.I.P ), he is missing, and presumed deceased.  The house is almost a complete loss, and the contents are a complete loss.  ( What the fire did not get, the smoke, and the water did. )  What was once tidy, and squeaky clean, is now charred, and covered in soot and ashes.  Precious family photos, and treasured mementos, are burned beyond recognition.  Not only were seven years of back breaking renovations lost, but almost a quarter of a century of memories, as well.  That house was more than just a home; it was part of who we were.  It was our sanctuary - our "shelter in the storm", and now it is gone, and our lives have been irrevocably changed.  
 

Yes, we had insurance, but it will never bring back what was lost.  As I lie awake at night, in our tiny, rented flat, I wonder what will become of us all.  Where do we go from here?  We have survived a terrible tragedy, but I fear the real ordeal has yet to come.  After all these years, at the ripe old age of 40; it appears that we are starting life over.   To be continued... 

***Photos of what is left of our home are posted in  my album titled : "This Old House".

       Standing under a cold, gray sky, I am awed at this world, and all of it's many mysteries.  The brisk November wind strips our old maples of the last of their autumn finery; the leaves fall like nature's confetti onto the damp ground.  It is late Autumn here in New England, and that means dealing with the two seasonal unpleasantries - tourists and leaf raking.  Actually, I have never really minded the leaves.  I enjoy their satisfying, earthy crunch under my Wellies, as I herd them into scattered piles around our yard. 

       As I straighten up from my work, popping and stretching my ever-complaining, forty-year old back, my attention is drawn upwards towards the second floor window of our home.  A figure, way to tall to be one of our cats, is at the bedroom window.  I am watching it, and it is watching me back.  We regard each other in silent equanimity.  No "alarm bells" go off.  We are not strangers, this "wraith" and I.  After almost seven years, we have learned to cohabitate successfully together - mostly.  I look around to make sure the neighbors are not watching, and raise a hand to my ethereal "friend".  There is no motion on it's part.   "Cant you come out?", I ask, far to quietly for any human ears to hear.  I notice a sort of "shimmer" at the window, and then before my eyes, it is gone.  

       Our house is "haunted".  There, I've said it, and for all the world to see.  Although, we do not refer to it as such; we prefer to say "otherwise occupied".  "Haunted" is such an ugly, Hollywood word.  We don't feel that it is part of us, or our situation.  We first discovered "them" only a few weeks after we moved in, almost seven years ago.  At first, it was only things like odd noises, that I promptly blamed on the house "settling", or things coming up missing, that I blamed on "new home owner fatigue".  I refused to acknowledge them - either their presence, or their joint-claim on the property, that we had just purchased.   You see, not only am I the very "left-brained", highly analytical type, but I am a natural skeptic, as well.  I am also not terribly religious, and have the tendency to view anything "supernatural" with much eyebrow raising.  Believe me, I looked for every possible explanation, before I would even consider the one right in front of my face.  And, then, slowly, they began to "up the anti".   More things went missing; more noisy nights kept us up; the electrics began to "malfunction"; anything electronic died a quick and sure death; we heard footsteps in parts of the house we knew to be empty, or sealed off; our animal companions hissed and growled at thin air, and the list goes on...  

      One thing I have always been rather proud of, is my open, non-prejudiced view of life.  I try to treat pretty much everything, and everybody, with some degree of respect and tolerance.   And, then one day I realized, that in all places- my own home - I was not doing this.  I remembered from my college days, someone saying, "A good student/scientist opens their ears and eyes, closes their mouth, and concentrates on the facts."  And, when I did, one thing became appallingly clear : we were not alone. 

       To this day, I still don't know exactly what "they" are.  ( I am still not sure if I believe in "ghosts", or not. )  One thing, that I think might be possible, is that sometimes, for some reason, we here on Earth, experience what might be termed as something like a "rip in the time vortex".  Many modern thinkers believe that time comes in "two flavors" - "linear" and "non-linear".  ***( Oh, humor me! )  "Linear time" is what we all experience in everyday life; it is the flowing progress of day to day living, and the chronological history of the world.  "Non-linear time" is the time that is alluded to in quantum physics/mechanics; it the "eternal clock of the universe" that has no hands.  It is a place where time and space loose all meaning, and things do not happen, but "simply are".  ( No, I'm not "blowing smoke up your ass".  Think Bell's Theorem/ the Theory of Non-Relativity - you know? )  I think one possibility answer is, ( hold on to your shorts ),  - time travel.  Yes, technically, or at least theoretically, it is possible.  ( Although it involves a "subject" being able to go faster than the speed of light, which is not possible with current technology.  However, I don't think it's really an issue for a "subject" than can "ride the ethers", so to speak. )  Perhaps when we "see ghosts" all we are really seeing is an event/ a "motion" that has already happened, or is yet to happen?  May be, it has nothing at all to do with the dead?  Perhaps, we are even seeing into a sort of "parallel universe"?  Then again, may be I just got "hoo-doos", and don't want to admit it.

     Someone asked me a while back to "define myself", and I had trouble.  To be honest, I really didn't know what to say.  I don't think that there is any ONE thing that defines me.   I am a veritable amalgamation of life experiences, but then again, are we all?  What really defines us, and who we are as human beings?  When I was younger, it was that I was from an ethnically mixed background, or that I have dated, ( before marriage ), both genders, or even that I have AS, ( Asperger's syndrome - a form of mild, high-functioning autism ).  At one particularly, dark time in my life, I let what someone else did to me, ( being an incest and kiddie porn survivor ), define me.  But, although that definitely shaped who I am to one extent, or the other, even that, does not define who I am; I won't let it.  When we moved up here, being from the South set me apart, ( I most definitely stand out! ), but it's not "who I am".  I think the things that I want to define me, are the things that I am most proud of : not just being a "survivor"/ but being a "thriver",  taking the road less traveled in life, owning my own business/home,  being in love with the same person for almost a quarter of a century...  I think that's one of the great things about life - the freedom to choose what defines you.  Don't you?  

I have NO idea exactly what a "blog" is, or how to do it, but here goes...

Me :  I'm 40, been married for 21 years, have one child, and two grandchildren.  I live with my husband in New England, in an old colonial cottage, that we are presently in the middle of renovating.  We have two spoiled Siamese cats, and a small fish tank, with two elderly female Bettas.  I am originally from New Orleans, ( We moved here seven years ago, due to a job transfer ), and although I love our home, and our life up here, I miss the "mothercountry" terribly.  Our daughter, and her two sons live down south, as well.  We are pretty much on our own up here.  ( Sometimes, it's kind of scary, and sometimes I really wish things were different. )  But, I am a firm believer in "blooming where you are planted".  Life throws you lemons - you learn how to make the best damn lemon merangue pie around.  That's just how it is.  First you survive, then you thrive.