Opening Pandora's Box ( AKA : The secret life of women who fly, when men aren't looking ) | jusdifferent's Blog

    Well, I've gone and done it...  I've opened Pandora's box.  There's no turning back, and now I am paying - BIG TIME.  I've always lived my life according to my own rules, believing that you only get one shot, so you damn well better take it.  I also believe, that you, and you alone, will answer - for better or worse, for the content, or lack there of, of that life.  What I am about to say, is going to shock a lot of people on this site, that have known me for years.  This is a confession that is going to draw heat, criticism, controversy, and judgement.  And, eventually, it will cost me friends, and most likely, my standing in the community.  But, none the less, I am going ahead with it.  If nothing else, I am, and have always been, honest - and damn the consequences.  So, here it is...

     Back in March of 2009, I did something that I told no one of, ( save one good friend ) - my husband and I tried an "experiment" - we "opened-up" our marriage.  This went on for around 8 - 10 mths.  It is over now, and not by my choice.  In a "nutshell" - I bloomed; he withered.  We have gone back monogamous, in order to save our marriage.  It is without a shadow of a doubt, one of the most difficult and painful things, that I have ever done.   I am writing this, in hopes that others might learn from my experiences, and mistakes.

     So, what did I learn from all of this?  My god - where do I start???  First of all, I learned that we are all different, yet somehow the same.  I learned that some people are "naturally polyamorous", just like some are "naturally monogamous".  I learned that there is no right, or wrong way to "do a relationship"; you simply have to do what works for you and your mate.  I learned that, by and large, women are much better suited for polyamory than men.  ( Not only do we have an easier time finding lovers, but have a greater capacity for pleasure. )  For some of us, it is a bit like a drug - freeing, intoxicating, mind-altering, and soul-changing - and when we no longer get it, we crave it, constantly.  That is what I am going through, now - cravings, withdrawal - just like an addict.  I feel like a bird that has had it's wings clipped, an animal that was allowed to run free, but has been caged, now. 

     No, it's not just the sex that I miss; it's EVERYTHING...  The experience, the interaction...  Something happens when you are with someone different...  I can't really put my finger on it - it's almost like you "trade/share energy", or something?  And, you learn - oh my god, you learn SO damn much.  You learn how human we all are - regardless of age, ethnicity, religion, culture...  How fragile, needy, scared, amazing, we can all be, at times.  I've now been with men of all different ages, ( 18 - 42 ), ethnic/cultural backgrounds, religions - all different circumstances - and I can tell you...  They all love to have their backs rubbed, to be told they're beautiful, to hear you pant, see you smile...  I've been with guys who hadn't been with a woman in years, and even with those that hadn't been with one at all.  I was with one guy who hadn't been with anyone since his wife died.  Another one, that I spent the better part of 15 mins, just simply trying to get his shirt off.  ( He had a surgery, that left a pretty bad scar, and had not yet shown it to anyone that was not a medical professional. )  Marc was a "crossdresser" that had never told anyone his "secret".  { I put lipstick on him, and then kissed it off.  He loved it, and so did I ;-} Steve had palsy, and was so nervous that he shook like a chihuahua on amphetamines.  Sai spoke almost no English.  ( It's amazing how very little you need words. )

     So, that's it.   That's what I did.  "Pandora's box"?  Yes, but unlike the myth, it wasn't awful - it was amazing.  I learned; I grew; it was the single best thing I ever did for me.   And, now, it is over, and I am sad beyond words.  I miss it; I grieve; I feel one of the most overwhelming senses of loss, that I have ever known.  I have shut this down, and am locking it away, in order to save my marriage, and to spare the feelings of someone I love, but yet, I feel like part of me is dying.  Some very integral part of me, my life, and who I really am, has been ripped away.  It's not coming back, and I know that, and I am doing my very best to try and deal with it.

     I know that there are some of you that will read this, and have much to say.  Some will read this, and delete me from your "circle".  Some will openly attack me, and others will call names.  Save your breath - I've heard it all before...  No, I am not a "whore" - I like it entirely too much to charge for it.  ( Not that there's anything wrong with "paid companions" - everybody's gotta make a living somehow.  More honest than politics, at least, eh? )  "Slut"?  Well, if you use the term "slut" to describe a woman that lives her life by her own rules, operates under the "radical premises" that sex is normal and healthy, and pleasure is good - then yeah, I guess that would be me.  It's my life, my body,and I do as I see fit.  And, that's how I roll.

BTW : If you are underage, and reading this...  Polyamory is a lifestyle, ( some even say "sexual orientation" ), that is to be practiced only between consenting, responsible adults.  For the record, yes, I always practiced "safe sex".  In fact, kept it to "play" only about 90% of the time, and as for the very few times I did choose to indulge - ALWAYS used a condom.